Sacrificing Your Authenticity: Is It Necessary For Success?
Do you have to sacrifice your authenticity to be successful?
I hope you shouted, "No!" loud enough to earn a disdainful look from the cat.
But like so many things you know to be true, you can file this one under easier said than done.
Because even if you believe this to be true intellectually, you’re likely challenged on it in practice daily.
You can walk into a client meeting fully intending to lead with your most authentic self.
You can put your heart and soul into a design concept or piece of art.
You can bring your unique mix of wry humor and directness and compassion to a tough conversation.
But when you put yourself out there fully only to get feedback—direct or indirect—that you’re, for example, “too negative,” “too positive,” “too challenging, “not challenging enough,” OF COURSE you’re going to question whether it’s truly SAFE to fully let down your guard and be yourself.
When your authentic self isn’t aligned with cultural norms or even one person’s opinion, OF COURSE you’re going to second-guess how "realistic" it is to be fully authentic in the workplace.
And so the idea of “be your authentic self” gets reduced to a cheesy Instagram quote or throw pillow. All flash, no substance.
It’s not easy, but it’s absolutely critical to be authentic.
How can we ever truly claim to be successful if we get there pretending to be somebody else? And what's it going to feel like once we get there?
Check out the video below for two questions to ask yourself when you feel like you have to choose between your authentic self and being someone you're not in order to succeed.
If You're Authentic, Will They Come?
I promise you there are people waiting for your unique brand of style and leadership--clients, partners, colleagues, direct reports, even family and friends.
They’re waiting for you to show them that it’s okay to buck tradition, start the trend, build the company, defy the label, blend cool things together in a totally new way, show them a different perspective.
In being unapologetically you, you show others it's okay to be themselves.
That's all anyone wants to be. Do you realize the absolute BEAUTY in allowing people to express this? Who wouldn't want to work with you, buy your stuff, or support your idea when this is how you make them feel?
As long as there’s a part of you that buys into the idea that there’s something wrong with being fully you, warts and all, it will be impossible to encourage others to show up fully.
When you sacrifice your authenticity, you limit your potential.
When you limit your potential, you limit others’ as well.
I bet you can think of an example where you've given people the space to co-create, explore ideas, be messy, and figure it out. I bet they LOVED it AND got great results!
Not everyone is going to love you. But if you keep trying to adjust to the whims and constantly shifting preferences of everyone else, you’re going to end up BORING, exhausted, and not attracting the VERY people you want to serve.
The people who already love you, love you! They want you to be happy. So sometimes we have to ignore their advice on the path they think we should take to happy and walk that path to happiness on our own terms. It's still a win-win.
What To Do When Someone Tells You To Not Be Yourself
If someone is giving you feedback that your authentic self is too [fill-in-the-blank] or not enough [fill-in-the-blank], the question you get to ask is, "Who cares?"
Honestly. Ask, "Why does this person have a problem with my idea, style, personality, approach, design, and is it truly a barrier to my success?"
When I dig into this with my clients, many realize they don’t even like or respect the person giving the critique.
So why give away your power to this person?
Yes, it hurts when your client rejects your idea and decides to go in a different direction.
Yes, it hurts when someone gives you feedback that critiques your personality, an idea you're passionate about, or what's most important to you.
Yes, it hurts when our friends and family disapprove of our choices. We hear their critique and feel the weight of their disapproval/disappointment/fear whether they say it aloud or not.
(Dealing with dream crushers is a whole separate post. As is an entire compendium of feedback driven by bias: social, cultural, gender, racial, age, sexuality).
Not gonna lie, it still always hurts when someone unsubscribes from my email list because THIS IS ME on the page, especially when they mark it as SPAM (haha, what?? This is some carefully-crafted artisanal spam.)
But that's their feedback. So I get to reflect on whether there's a useful nugget in there or not. And I remind myself that not everyone wants to be on this journey, and I'd rather spend my energy on a trip we all enjoy!
When I left corporate, I knew I'd prefer to look back on my life when I was 80, knowing I'd tried and failed doing it my own quirky, made-up way rather than have “succeeded” at something I didn't believe in.
You get to decide whether the feedback aligns with who you want to be in the world.
Sometimes feedback helps you to be even more authentic because you can let go of the beliefs, feelings, and behaviors that are holding you back.
If you’re shutting down people in meetings so that others are afraid speak up…that might be something to look at. Being authentic doesn’t mean being an a-hole.
But if you’re feeling like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not, tamping down the best parts of yourself, or not sharing your ideas, that’s a sign that the person's opinion may not be the best one for you.
Is it really so important to succeed at someone else’s game that you’d sacrifice your style, beliefs, and point of view?
We've All Tried Not Being Ourselves
How'd that work out for you?
Give yourself a set amount of time to go out there and be your unadulterated self—6 months, 12 months, whatever. See who you meet. See what opportunities come your way. See who stops bothering you!
There’s REAL POWER in your vulnerability. And it’s a lot less work. So take off the armor.
Start with the thought that the most generous thing you can do for others is go after what makes you happy and fulfilled.
Not everyone is going to like you or your stuff. But the right people will.
Try it. You can always go back to sacrificing your authenticity later.
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Author Bio:
Before becoming a coach, Caroline worked in management consulting and financial services. She's made it her mission to help people grow, contribute, and get wherever they want to go.
She’s also a tennis fanatic, aspiring Minimalist, FIRE (Financial Independence and Retire Early) enthusiast, and Aloha Spirit seeker 🤙. She loves to share stories from her unconventional life and career focused on freedom, creativity, fun, health, family, and community. If she can do it, you can, too.
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