Why Positive Thinking Doesn't Work
Want to know why positive thinking doesn’t work?! A brief story…
My friend was feeling overwhelmed and exhausted at work.
Her boss gave her “feedback” on a sticky note. A sticky note. It said, "Stay positive!"
How would it feel to receive that note if you were feeling sad, frustrated, or anxious?
Receiving a note like that would piss. me. off.
Ugh. I hate it when people say stuff like *just be positive*. They're basically saying, "You know what you're feeling? Don't feel that. Or at least don't let others know you're feeling it. Go ahead, stuff it down."
You know what it's called when we mask our feelings??? Denial.
And do you know what happens when we deny our feelings??? They stay there, unresolved, coloring everything we experience going forward.
It's terrible advice because you can't simply flip a positivity switch.
Plus now you feel worse for not being more “positive.” It’s exactly why positive thinking doesn’t work.
It's normal and human to experience a wide range of emotions. The key is to experience them without living there permanently.
With each passing year, our collective fear, anxiety, stress, and uncertainty seems to ratchet up even further.
Here are 8 ideas to manage your myriad emotions and take care of your mental health:
1. Consider the source. When someone tells you to be positive, that's THEIR lens.
There's something in their experience that makes them uncomfortable with your feelings.
That’s about them, not you.
And you’re entitled to whatever you’re feeling thankyouverymuch.
But what if that source is you?? (The call is coming from inside my head!) 😱Read on!
2. Observe without judgment. All feelings serve a purpose. All of them.
Some FEEL bad, but they're equally important as the ones that feel good.
It doesn't feel good to be sick, but it makes you stop working, sleep, and take care of yourself. That's how your body heals.
Same goes for feelings. Feelings are clues that there's emotional healing to be done and actions to take that ultimately feel better.
Get in the habit of seeing your feelings as data points, or indicators on your mental health dashboard. Are you running low on fuel? Are you in overdrive? Do you feel disrespected or undervalued? What IS the actual feeling?
You're simply a scientist, observing the data. What are they telling you?
These data are a gift. They are the catalyst for action that leads to meaningful change.
(Speaking of catalysts, Anger often plays a pivotal role in going after MORE in your career. I actually love when my coaching clients get ANGRY.)
Labeling feelings as positive or negative, good or bad misses the point. It's more constructive to get to the heart of what's triggering them.
3. Get curious and be gentle. You wouldn't tell a child to "feel better" or "just be positive." Or maybe you would...no judgment on your parenting. 😂
My guess is you'd be like, "What's going on little guy? You hungry? You need a hug? You got a boo boo?"
Why as adults do we lose this compassion and curiosity with ourselves? Instead it's, "Ugh, why am I like this? Why can't I just get past this?"
Be gentle with yourself! Comfort yourself. Ask someone you love and trust to comfort you, too. Our basic human needs to feel and be comforted don't go away just because we've aged.
4. Ground yourself and get physical. Ground outside. Ground inside. However you ground, ground. If you do nothing else on this list, go outside and move your body.
Go for a walk, put your feet and hands on the earth.
Observe the leaves. Smell the flowers. Listen to the birds. Taste the dirt (just checking 😉).
Have a dance party.
Movement is healing and gets you out of those negative thought spirals.
If there's a semi-mindless activity that you ENJOY, like folding laundry or cleaning, do it.
If you meditate or do energy healing of any kind, lean into it! Get yourself into the present. Notice all that you have in this moment.
If you're into the chakras, move out of that head energy of your upper chakras into your lower chakras--particularly root, heart, and sacral.
5. Breathe. So simple, yet so effective.
6. Don't fight the feeling. That creates more resistance, which makes it feel worse.
Remind yourself that this feeling is IMPERMANENT. It will pass.
If it helps, visualize a wave or another symbol of life's natural ups and downs. The ups and downs are what make waves so powerful!!!
You know what happens in the ocean when you try to fight a wave. Embrace the power and ride it to the shore.
That’s why positive thinking doesn’t work—by trying to resist natural and HEALTHY emotions, you risk exhausting yourself and drowning in the very feelings you’re attempting to avoid.
There's so much peace and expansiveness in feeling exactly what you're feeling and knowing it will pass. It's about moving through the feeling gracefully rather than trying to just click out of it.
When I'm feeling anxious, I remind myself that I'm safe and loved and will make it through [whatever is unsettling me]. Choose the mantra and recipe that works for you.
7. Pay attention to what you're consuming. Twitter gives me LIFE, but it can quickly turn into doom scrolling, negative comparison, or self-criticism.
Being intentional about where you’re investing your time and energy is a game-changer.
Where can you put your time and energy into creating, instead of consuming?
But we all consume. So intentionally, carefully curating what you take in is a great habit to build.
I try to give the bulk of my attention to the posts that are talking about innovation, opportunity, inspiration, and whimsy. Same with LinkedIn.
If you're feeding on a steady diet of complaints and criticisms, no wonder you're not feeling great. My mood always dips when I watch Real Housewives of NYC. Look at all they have and how miserable and angry they still are! It's stressful. No, I haven't stopped watching, but baby steps and all that. :)
It's just as easy to find uplifting, energizing content as it is depressing, draining content. Consciously choose what you consume.
You pick the formula that works for you, but uplifting social media—in moderation—is one way to stay connected and sane. There are plenty of people using social media for good. Seek them out.
Come for the jokes, stay for the innovation, idea-sharing, and human inspo.
8. Connect. Real human connection is key for powerful leadership. And it is happiness fuel.
That said, remember #7. If you're connecting with people who heighten your anxieties, you're basically marinating in the thoughts and feelings that don't serve you. ENERGY IS CONTAGIOUS.
Set boundaries and curate your social interactions. Seek out the people who can talk about their feelings AND move through them. Double down on interactions where you feel safe, loved, and SEEN.
As always, tell people how best to support you. Let them know up front that you need to vent. Ask them to listen, not fix.
Sometimes it works to give them a script, "Please tell me I'm not insane for feeling this." (A script might sound silly, but it is pure magic to receive exactly the comfort you want and need.)
Why Positive Thinking Doesn’t Work
Alllll emotions are good. Some just feel bad.
We all have a different lens and emotional baseline based on our experiences. The easiest way forward is to experience emotions rather than try to shortcut to the feeling better part.
Of course we all want to feel good as much as possible. Yes, you can increase the frequency and duration of positive feelings. But it starts with doing the work to understand what’s going on when you’re not feeling positive.
Ever notice something that would have triggered you 6 months ago doesn't anymore? That's because you've learned to work through the energy around that trigger.
You managed the emotions that didn’t feel great because you recognized that it’s a key part of the process to feeling better.
Honoring each emotion—yes, especially the unpleasant ones—is the shortest road to truly staying positive more of the time for longer periods of time.
I'd love to hear how you're taking care of your mental health in this time when so many people are struggling.
Leave a comment below with your habits, routines, and best practices!
TLDR: No, you don't have to “be more positive,” and it's not helpful to ask it of anyone (even yourself). Ignoring or resisting uncomfortable feelings makes them stronger, and it’s why positive thinking doesn’t work. Instead of fighting your feelings, learn to navigate them.
Author Bio:
Before becoming a coach, Caroline worked in management consulting and financial services. She's made it her mission to help people grow, contribute, and get wherever they want to go.
She’s also a tennis fanatic, aspiring Minimalist, FIRE (Financial Independence and Retire Early) enthusiast, and Aloha Spirit seeker 🤙. She loves to share stories from her unconventional life and career focused on freedom, creativity, fun, health, family, and community. If she can do it, you can, too.
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